That first day back to school, was the most stressful day in my life. I wasn’t even planning on returning to work. It seemed easier to think, Bill’s best interest was to be schooled at home. But was it his best interest or more what I wanted? I doubted myself a lot since April, so I questioned anything I did at this point.
I’m sure I drove his teacher crazy with texting to make sure she was aware of every little thing. But she was awesome about it. Reluctantly I went to work and took two steps in the door and that’s when it hit me. This was the first time I was alone. I started to shake and broke down in tears. I felt damaged from the aggression, alone and terrified this could happen again.
We pulled through our first week of school pretty well. There is some small issues we are working on but nothing really serious. Some of his sense of humor is coming around which I have missed so much. But he gets a little depressed when he struggles with his memory.
I’m living in fear worrying whatever did this to my son will be back again. Still I have no answers, and I feel so helpless not knowing what protective measures to take for him, because apparently there is nothing wrong. I tighten up when I hear the phone ring at work and my anxiety goes through the roof at our medicine check appointments. This can’t be normal to be this way, even for me. But the good side to all this, it has shown me one thing. Who is there for me and who isn’t. I’ve comes to terms that my relationships to the ones who aren’t there for me. They’ve managed to poison my head thinking everything I’ve been through is my fault. I can’t believe that.
I heard from his teacher last night. Monday we are scheduled for an IEP. His assessment was completed and he lost about fifteen percent. That was hard to hear. They were getting ready to start a new program for him before all this happened and now the idea on the back burner until he regains what he lost. At least the aggression and the insomnia has stopped and he is getting some sort of peace.