After my breakdown last year, therapy helped me to understand I had to redo my way of thinking and prioritize what is important, and what I need to do. My marriage was already going down hill because he didn’t like my children had to be first. I guess good husbands would understand that and even respect that. But a narcissist doesn’t get it and most likely never will.
In my research about narcissism, it made sense that’s what I married. I didn’t see the signs because they are good at what they do.
Back when we met he was a drinker; my theory was when he stopped and didn’t follow through with the after care that when he changed. He felt he didn’t need it. That was my first red flag I should have seen.
Looking back on the conversations we had, how things ended up always about the narc needs, his feelings. And what he wanted. Mine never seemed to matter. Being intimate was when he wanted it and how. Going places would be where he wanted to go. Even when his family would visit, I would have to stop everything. I repressed all that because I’m a giving person, now and he took advantage of that. Abuse and rape from passed relationships all came to the surface all at once, and it was too much, along with what happened to the kids, that’s when the breakdown occurred.
I guess I’m no good to him after that because that’s when he filed for divorce. What angers me more than the divorce is that I needed him and he is already to get rid of me when I’m down, but yet when he was ill with his drinking I was the first to care for him. His surgery I made sure he had what he needed. The flu, I was first to make sure my herb teas would get him better. I’m trying not to beat myself up over all this. It has been hard.
The important thing now is to cut my losses and move on. Waiting for that call to go into our new home will be the light at the end of the tunnel.
When school started Pooh had a little hard time seeing me at the school. Not use to seeing me in work mode, I would just wave (no hugs at school) When Pooh got home he looked at me in disgust and said, “What is wrong with you?” (I’m still laughing out loud) I had to explain to him, and it took a few days, but I’m proud to say he’s excepting it now.
I received an email that our appraisal on the house is finished. I’m working on a budget to make sure I can cover expenses on my own. I meet with Allstate to get homeowners insurance and my car insurance. I have my internet and phone bills. Slowly things are becoming my responsibility. A little anxious but this time in a good way.