Things are starting to settle in our home. Boxes are disappearing, and personal things make it look like a real home. Jenny’s talking more and starting to process everything. It was explained to me that is the start of healing. Pooh adjusting well and doing amazing. Therapists can see a big difference in them both, and agree, I did the best thing for them.
Transferring to another school was the best thing I ever could have done. My student is improving in a lot of areas, and people are noticing. Even my boss is the best I could ever ask for. His kindness is something I’m not use to, and even people around me give me a great feeling there is hope in this world.
But then today after work, I had a cruel reminder, and that was to face the fact no matter what I did, mental illness will still have my kids. Struggling to except that was hard to bear. I have to fix everything, take the burden for these kids but when it comes to something out of my control……well lets just say that’s why I’m in therapy.
I walked out of the school giving my student some great words to end the day. Laughing is not one of the things I’ve done in a long time, and he manages to give me something to laugh about.
While walking, I had that feeling something wasn’t right. I tried to ignore it but it started to get difficult.
Just then, one of the secretaries came out and yelled my name. She said one of the counselors wanted to speak with me. I got scared, and told her to have them call me while I was going home.
I continued on with my student and my phone rang right away. Walking back to the car I answered the phone, and the very up beat voice introduced her self. The consoler let me know Jenny was with her. Jenny started laughing in the background when I asked, “What did she do?” it confirmed it wasn’t bad so I took it she was okay.
But the consoler wanted to let me know that Jenny had the thoughts of suicide but not act on them. The counselor offered help and rudely (that’s what Jenny says I do when I get defensive) I cut her off and told her everything she’s been through and what I have done for her. She tried to speak and I didn’t give her the chance I guess, partly because I didn’t want to hear it. Maybe afraid she would tell me there was something I could have done, and I would have just been hard on myself because I could have done something to fix this. Or even have some kind of false hope making this go away and everything would be normal again.
Shaking those thoughts, I told her the great support I had in when Jenny was in middle school. The councilor offered to email her teachers and give the same support. It was a relief knowing she is being watched over. My shoulders felt a lot lighter going home.
I paced a lot once I got home. Talking to Jenny always scared me. Id say the wrong thing and cause her to harm herself. So when she got home. I asked if she needed her medicine adjusted. She felt it was a one time thing because there issues going on in school. I praised her for speaking up. That’s when I realized that has to mean the start of healing. She spoke up this time. I did something right.